People don’t typically miss you. I've tossed a thought around for about a week, and finally came to a conclusion this morning in my local coffee shop. The shop was swimming with people; all wrapped up in their D.C. lives. I wondered how many of them have dealt with you. How many killed you, cried over you or laughed through you. And then, the thought swept through my head again..."I miss cancer."
As my best friend would say, "WTF, Candice?!" I know, it's actually insane and crazy to miss you. Why would someone ever miss the intense fear that comes with you? Why would anyone miss being sick, or littered with medications? Every time I thought it, I shook my head in disgust at where my brain was going. And then this morning, it came to me.
I don't miss you, specifically. I miss the powerful adrenaline that comes with fighting something. I miss the intense, overwhelming thrill of putting every fiber of my being towards accomplishing something. I miss the drive to live against a threat I can't control. For a year of my life when I opened my eyes, I pushed towards defeating you. For a year of my life when I walked down the street, I made fun of you in my mind. For a year of my life, I showed others what it's like to live through you. It was the most empowering experience of my existence, and I miss it.
So, WTF! I don't miss you. I'm now ADDICTED to what comes from conquering you.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Facial expressions in response to you are comical. Last night, I was explaining my next surgery to a curious Public Affairs colleague. She thought I already had boobs. I saw all the typical facial expressions in a five minute period. The, I’m so sad for you face. This is gross face. I’m happy it’s not me face. I have no idea what to say face. I’m uncomfortable face. I’ll just pretend cancer doesn’t exist face. And finally, I’m proud to know you face. After thousands of these conversations, I’m used to the rollercoaster of emotions people go through when talking to me. Even doctors and nurses do it when I’m new to a clinic. “Wait a second, you had breast cancer? But, you’re so young (Insert perplexed look here).” No shit Sherlock, my story isn’t the norm, but is still happened. I just smile, and agree. Sometimes, I have fun with it and say, “My parents always told me I was an old soul, guess it finally caught up with me.” Or, “I really just like pink so I joined the club.”
I guess in the end, it doesn’t matter what ends up on faces. What matters is people walk away with a story that is true. Hopefully they walk away, educated about you.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
So there’s this train I’ve been on my entire life. I think it started down the tracks with my parents mandating I “play outside.” I threw some coals in the engine with track, field hockey and lacrosse through college. An old friend, Angie, pointed out something interesting when she looked at a high school field hockey photo. One in eight women will get breast cancer in their life. There are eight young women in the photo, and I happened to be that one who "took one for the team." Through the military, the train just got faster as I discovered triathlons, Alaska sports and racing. I was in the best shape of my life right before I found out about you. I was the epitome of strong. I remember doing push-ups with my best friend’s little girl on my back, and pumping my body full of good protein multiple times a day. At the time, it was all in an effort to look awesome for when Ryan returned from Afghanistan. It’s ironic how everything happens for a reason. If it wasn’t for gaining muscle and being in shape, chemo would’ve crushed me. I didn’t eat a lot, and it was extremely difficult to find energy to maintain muscle mass. I lost 20 pounds, 3 pants sizes, and got tired walking up stairs in six months.
Today is day two of my new running program. I’m running a marathon in my 30th year. I figured the year I beat you, I might as well do something else crazy hard. So here I am, jumping back on the train from the platform. Only this time, I respect my body so much more.
|Denise Burnham, Megan Issac and me Nov. 8, 2011|
My work out buddies who motivated me to simply just...start.
|PV Seniors 1999|
One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Two weeks after my last Chemo in March, I went to Cleveland, Ohio. I was finally allowed to fly, and not worry about blood clots from meds. Now, I got looks before while sporting a bald head, but apparently people that frequent airports don’t see women without hair. After getting a bit annoyed at the looks, I threw on my 1920’s Jean Harlow hat, and went to the bathroom. I took one look at myself, and laughed. No hair, eyebrows, or lashes, isn’t exactly normal. So what goes best with no hair? Crazy red lip stick of course! When my friend Anna picked me up, her little girl Stella said, “Miss Candice, you’re bald headed like my Daddy! I like your lip stick.”
This week, I got my first haircut since my hair has returned. I hoped in the car, looked in the mirror, and laughed again. My memory went back to the airport bathroom. Only this time I saw hair, brows and lashes. Hair is truly, just an accessory.
|No hair any where...|
|My first hair cut...|
Monday, November 7, 2011
So, this morning I grab a Monday morning latte. I’m in line in my uniform. A four-year-old girl is staring at me. I smile. She smiles. I say, “Hi sweetie.” She says, “Hi.” After another minute of staring, she points to my keychain and says, “I like pink.” After thanking her, she asks why it’s “that funny shape.” As her mom listened, I told her it’s a pink ribbon that stands for helping people with a bad sickness. She said, “Oh, like when I have coughs and sneezes?” Her mom and I giggled. I told her it was really bad, like the worst coughs and sneezes she’d ever have. I went on to say, I was trying to tell everyone about this bad sickness called breast cancer, so we can make it go away. She said, “Mommy, can I have a pink ribbon.”
I gave her my tiny pink ribbon, and told her to keep it safe.
So here’s the deal buddy, by the time she reaches her mid-twenties she’s not going to worry about you taking her breasts. By then, we’ll have you beat. I can’t think of a better way to start my week.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
One of the most beautiful images I’ve seen is the sun setting behind the Alaska snow capped mountains. Driving home was like driving into a painting every day. It’s funny, but that’s when I learned to love pink. It looked like God put the mountains to bed every night with a fluffy pink blanket. The other day I heard a woman say, “I’m sick of this pink shit,” in response to pink ribbons during October. I just smiled. Yes, sometimes it’s a bit overwhelming with a pink ribbon on every product you buy lately, but at the same time, is that really something to be upset about? Pink doesn’t only remind me of Alaska Mountains, Molly Ringwald 80’s movies, or baby girls. It reminds me of an extraordinary group of women raising awareness of you. So, I’ll continue to smile when I see pink ribbons, and I’ll even sport some obnoxious pink outfits from time to time. “Pink shit,” is nothing to get upset about.
Pretty in Pink-